| Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 |
| 11:01 pm |
Random Musings
Random Musings I'm watching the movie Half Nelson and there is this part where Ryan Gosling is dancing with the girl. It starts off like a slow dance and eventually he's just holding on to her for dear life, like if he lets her go he's gonna break apart. It's just one short moment in a movie but it resonates with me. I know that feeling on wanting to hold on to a person or a moment as tight as you can, I've been feeling like that a lot lately like I need to hold on to these random breif moments to keep feeling. When I was younger I used to cut my arm to keep feeling, to check that I was still alive. The pain of cutting my skin and the site of the blood reminded me that even though I was numb I was still technically living and thus I had to keep moving. Now I can't do that to myself anymore it's too painful for other people so even though it worked for me before I know its not an option anymore. So now I look for moments that bring out big feelings, good or bad, as a way of knowing that I'm still here. It's strange I know but its working...... Current Mood: Alive |
| Saturday, March 24th, 2007 |
| 12:40 am |
I Dunno....
So I was bored tonight and decided to revamp my myspace page with a new background, music, video, and assorted sparkly crap because I'd had the other one up for several months now.....I don't know how long this one will stay up since it's not so much a representation of me as what I would like to be. I'm going for a lite girly feel.......Put it out in the universe and who knows maybe it'll come true. Lately as I've written before I haven't really been feeling like myself. I've been hyper emotional and am taking things that are probably nothing way to personally. At work I found out that one of the guys I work with had a big rant about me the other night to my boss of all people. I love my boss, she's awesome! But she's still my boss and I would rather that people didn't talk about me in a negative way to her. I mean thats fair enough I try my best to surpress my negative feelings about some of the people I work with why can't they do the same for me! If nothing else it may make for a less tense work environment. Today (well I guess yesterday) my boss tells me that I'm being tense working behind the counter.....well yeah you would be tense too if there was a line up a phone that WILL NOT STOP RINGING!!!!!(I have such an issue with the work phones now) and stupid Kyle just hanging out watching my every freakin move!!!! Of course I'm tense (oh did I mention he was the one doing the ranting before.......oh and did I mention I used to like be in love with him until I finally opened my eyes to see what a fucking jerk he is.......Took me long enough I know but I never said I was quick on the uptake.....) Anyway hence why I'm tense but I don't want to get into all of this with my boss so I just use the standard excuse of ohI'm just really tired and its the end of my shift. One thing I have to say about working in a small store is that there is no where to hide.....What I mean by that is at the Colisseum I could just blend into the countless faces and pretty much everyone left me alone.....Now it's like everything I do and say at work can come back to bite me in the ass at some point or another.....And since I've been so crazy lately it makes it extra fun. But as much as I bitch about work (and I'm aware that I do it alot) it's about all I have anymore. I'm not going to school so I lost my councellor that I was seeing there, which has been really difficult since my med doctor (who is supposed to also provide talk therapy with all those nice pills he gives me) well doesn't. Basically it's 22 min once a month. Although now that I'm such a fucking mess I actually get to see him for 22 min again next week........I think basically he just wants to make sure I don't go completely crazy and shave off all my hair and then blame him for all of my shit (which of course I would never do.......well not the blaming him for all of my shit part anyway. and actually since Britney shaved her head it's too mainstream to shave my head because then people will actually be able to say about me "she's pulling a Britney"......) Yes I'm aware right now that I'm ranting and if anyone out there is reading this then I appologize that your wasting your time because I'm never going to get to the point since I don't really know what it is......What I can say though is that other than work now most days I have absolutely no reason to get out of bed in the morning. I'm not exactly sure how I came to be so isolated right now but I'm sure I must have done something to scare off my friends......probably they read this or another post that I made and were like that girl is a lost cause forget about her too much drama and shit.......Which is probably true.......It kind of sucks though since it would be nice to have things to do that distract me from how I'm feeling for a few hourse anyway.......But whatever I've gone through all of this basically alone before I can do it again right? Besides its not like I can force people to be my friends or to stick around once they realize what a basket case I am.........Man alive I can whine like no bodies business.........Ah well its my blog and I can whine if I want to.......(kinda like how I can cry at my own parties as well.......and right now I probably would be overcome with some emotion and cry)......Bah.......Anyway now that I've scared off any potential friends forever I'm going to go to bed....... Current Mood:  depressed |
| Monday, March 12th, 2007 |
| 9:10 pm |
"Wont that warp him?"
Ah the Simpsons.....I totally stole that line.....Anyway...... So lately my emotions are all up and down and little things that would ordinarily never bother me now make me angry. I have not felt like this since I was a lost and angry 16 year old whose philosophy of life is everything and everyone is shit. It feels like things just are not working with me. I don't know why I got so angry at Kyle which makes work kind of a tense situation because I don't want to be there when he is.....Actually lately it feels like everytime I go to work I screw something up or I do something to make a fool of myself. Like walking up to the cash to pay for some stuff on friday and totally dropping everything. Lately my hands don't seem to be working so well for me and I keep dropping stuff. I don't know why I've been feeling so weird lately. I mean I just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. What I really need to do is start going to Curves again since I really haven't been since I got sick around valentine's day. I'm also going to stop consumming so much junk food. I've been binging non stop lately so of course my tummy doesn't feel good because who feels good after consuming approx. 2000 calories in about an hour. I'm hoping that once I start doing these things my emotions will level off and stop going up and down so quickly. I also need to work towards making some sort of budget so I can figure out how much money I can use to have fun with, and how much I should put towards my credit card bill. It probably says a lot about me that I think about how much money I can use for fun things and then as an after thought my credit card bill.... Well at least I'm trying because beudgetting is not something that I really excel at. Actually most adult responsibity stuff I suck at.....Mostly because I don't really want to have to deal with that stuff yet......I guess thats why I still live at home....Oh on a similar but different track my mom is making me crazy!!! Today I was informed that I'm cut off from using the car until I do a long list of chores she came up with. Now I understand helping around the house and doing things like cleaning the kitchen and stuff but why the hell does she insist on me cleaning my room??? I mean there are no dishes in here.....There are no bugs in here.....and you can totally tell that my carpet is pink so why does it matter that my desk looks like an avalanche zone? I mean really its not like she is ever in here anyway!!!!!Sometimes I feel like when she looks at me she still sees that 16 year old girl and I hate it!! It's not like I make a mess out of every room in the house just my own. And to take away the car until my room is clean what the hell is that??? Honestly it's such b.s. I love my mom please don't get me wrong but I hate that she insists on controlling my life so much even now. Then she wonders why I do things without telling her and why I would rather not spend a lot of free time with her. She can just be way to controlling. I want to go out on a saturday night and she makes some big case about it. It's just so frustrating that she looks at me like I'm so young.....I know that part of it is because I was so sick for so long and she really needed to be there to hold me up and keep me going (I mean I never would have graduated from high school if she hadn't kicked my ass to school every day and I appreciate that) but now I need some space and she doesn't seem to get that...... Maybe I'm not being reasonable.....Like I said before little things are getting to me in a way that they didn't before but still.....Anyway thats my rant for the day and if you actually managed to read through this and have it make some sense then I'll be pleased..... Current Mood:  grumpy |
| Thursday, March 8th, 2007 |
| 9:27 pm |
Feel like ranting a little bit
Ok so today sucked!!!!! I failed my G test (thanks a lot jerk off with spanish accent who failed me for not wanting to drive on the side of the queensway!!!!!!)I got back a shitty grade for a class (thanks a lot me!!!!) and I owe a ridiculous ammount on my cell phone bill and my credit card. So basically I'm broke which is AWESOME!!!! (sarcasim....) Oh and my very favorit thing actually happened yesterday I offically hate work boy! (I can't remember if I have ever named him but I don't really want to so I hope I didn't.....) He has screwed me over for the last time his gravy train of free rides etc. is officially over. I have no problem with someone asking me to take a shift for them if they are honest about why they can't do there shift..... Not if they are going to lie to me about why they can't go in to work! Not if they are going to behave as though my life and my time has no value. I'm tired of letting him treat me like a door mat that he can wipe his feet all over!!!! I hope one day someone uses him the way that he used me and he can feel how annoyed and stupid I am feeling right now!!!! I hate him!!!!! It's that simple. Actually it feels better now that I don't have all of these anoying conflicting feelings about him. Now at least I know exactly how I feel about him..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ok so now that I got that out of my system I'm actually feeling a little better and I can move on to more postitive things because I'm trying to switch all of my thoughts from negative and self depricating to positive! Usually I would write something here about how that probably wont last very long but in the interest of starting to think positively on a good (or positive?) foot I wont....... Current Mood: pissed off |
| Tuesday, March 6th, 2007 |
| 8:45 pm |
Long time no write......
Well its been a really long time since I have written anything mostly because for the most part my life is really very dull and I didn't feel like boring people with the same old shit that I've already written before. Not that anything particularaly new and exciting has happened in my life.....Well I don't know exactly if nothing has happened but definately something has happened. Well I have officially dropped out of school something that I had been wanting to do pretty much since I started classes again. So thats done now and I'm basically going to be working at Blockbuster full time now (or as many hours as they will give me). I'm begining to come to my senses about the boy at work although probably not fast enough.... I know that he does not see me the way I see him and that really nothing is going to change that. I don't believe that its all in my looks either that he doesn't like, its just that my personality is not what he is looking for in a girl friend. I could probably get him to sleep with me but I know that its not a good idea. One we work together and two I don't need to become more attached to him then I already am. It would be nice though if I could just get over these damn feelings! But whatever since thats not really how it works I'm just going to keep moving on with my life. I'm actually really starting to notice this other guy who is really great and lots of fun and who I think could perhaps actually like me for me and not just the things I can do for him or give him (which is really the only reason why work boy pays any attention to me anyway). But as usual I doubt myself and I figure that he could never see me that way anyhow. I'm looking in the mirror in my room and I see nothing good about me. I look at pictures and other people say I look nice in them and I just don't see it. How am I supposed to attract anyone when I cannot see a reason for them to be attracted to me. Anyway thats what been going on lately not that great or that bad everything is just moving forward which I guess for now..... Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Sunday, February 11th, 2007 |
| 11:41 pm |
My nails are black and so is my spirit....
So as Valentine's day comes up I have painted my nails black and have given up hope in ever finding love.....Or having a Valentine (which is more of a short term goal). I'm feeling really lonely and it doesn't help that I really like this guy who doesn't pay any attention to me, I'm also start of liking this other guy. But I'm not really sure about that one.....That might have something to do with the fact that I'm giving up hope......No I don't know mostly I'm feeling bad about myself since the pointing and laughing skanky girls at the club.....Which sucks because I'm finally starting to turn things around with my weight and food issues and now all I can think about are the skanky girls. It would be nice if I could just be more seccure with myself because I know my weight doesn't really change the person who I am on the inside but it would be really nice to be me on the inside and like Heidi Klum on the outside!!! So back to the Boy.....I'm really starting to rethink liking him so much I mean he does not notice me at all and not that the other guy really notices me that much either but it would be nice not to have all these feelings directed to wards one person who will never feel the same as me unless I totally over haul the outside of me.....And really thats so silly. Why can't I just like someone who likes me for all of me and not that the other guy would necessarily be any better than the current Boy but there is a part of me who can still hope. And if worse comes to worse I can always become catholic and become a nun.....I mean then at least I'll be married to god and he wont dump me.....Man I am such a freakin drama queen. Me a catholic nun screw that!!!! Then it wont be so much that I'm not having sex but that I am choosing to be celebate and I just cannot live like that. I keep talking about sex but it's not about the sex anymore its more like I would like a connection with a person and all those nice feelings that go along with that. So its basically all the same old shit that I have written a million times over and over. I'm a broken record and I know it but at least I'm starting to change some things..... Current Mood: crushed |
| Tuesday, February 6th, 2007 |
| 5:34 pm |
Same old Same old
Haven't written anything in a while and I feel like I should say something. Well There's not much to say and not much has changed. Got a massage today and I have decided when I become a multi millionaire I'm gonna have my own personal massues to give me massages every single day this is an add on to my previous prentend entourage of a personal chef, a personal hair dresser, and a personal trainer. So thats my prentend life where somehow I'll be rich in a way that I have never really came up with. Anyway in real life it's mostly school, work, curves, and therapy....So basically same old same old. Which is not so much fun. I would really like to report that the boy is now in love with me and I'm deliriously happy. Until then I guess I'm done..... Current Mood:  bored |
| Tuesday, January 30th, 2007 |
| 5:07 pm |
Work Christmas Party Comming Up......
Ok so in febuary we are celebrating christmas at blockbuster! And by celebrate christmas I mean get stinking drunk at a co-workers house and I'm freaking out a little bit. I need to find something sufficently slutty so that I can perhapse entice my crush into..... I really don't know what I want to entice him into. But still I want to entice him into something. I'm going nuts with this stupid crush I really want him to be mine....And with valentines day comming up it makes me really wish that I wasn't alone again for this stupid holiday! I don't even like valentines day but I still want to not be alone for this one stupid day. Well I would prefer not to be alone on any day but stupid valentines day makes it that much worse. Damn the greeting card people, the chocolate people, the flower people, and the restaurants, and the diamond companys!!! Damn them all! For making me want something that I can't have!!! And damn my feelings for being so damn stubborn and not going away and making me want someone that doesn't want me back!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! p.s. i know that this is all so completely stupid and irrelevant and there are about a million things I could be thinking about now with more significance but I can't help it and I need to vent!!! Current Mood: contemplative |
| Saturday, January 20th, 2007 |
| 11:52 pm |
I'm starting to think about making some changes.....
Lately I've been finding my life is really predictable and getting kind of boring. I know what I'll be doing tomorrow and the next week and so on. The basic structure of my day is already set. I wake up and I watch some tv/movies and get on the internet, maybe I go to work or class or exercise, at some time during the day I spend money on things I don't need (usually dvds, books, food, magazines, or music), and I read, then go back to sleep and the cycle continues. And thats that. So I really want to shake things up a bit..... Make more of an effort to go out or try to do something new the thing is I don't really know what. I mean I'm only 22 so I should be doing things that are fun and different and not just doing the same damn thing everyday. I mean lately I have been trying new things within the regular things that I do. Like listening to new music and reading different types of books and watching different types of movies but really nothing is different and sometimes I don't like the new things (especially the movies sometimes independent film makes me want to jam a pen in my eye to liven things up!). I think that since my grandmother passed away I've been more conscious of the things I do because she really had a very quiet life. She spent my entire life sitting in a chair and watching television (she didn't read, didn't like to travel, actually she didn't like to go out much at all). She had her family and before I was born she babysat and took care of the house, but then my grandfather retires and he did all the house stuff and cooking so she really stopped doing everything except playing cards and tv and family special outings.... I just don't want to spend my whole life doing the same damn things over and over until I end up dying in a hospital after having strokes. I mean if I'm going to die at least I want to have some fun before I do it. I have been talking about travelling to Europe since I was like 18 years old and I came back from Italy and Greece. I have been talking about renting a car and going on a big road trip with friends. I always think it would be fun to go to concerts but I never buy tickets even though good bands come to ottawa now. So instead of really doing any of these things I sit around and think about it and I have to stop! I need to save up some money and do these things. I also want to meet new people since I have such a small pool of friends and they all have lots of friends other than me and I hate to keep squeezing myself into their plans (even if they say they don't mind). It would be nice to get over some of my shyness (I mean I have been working at blockbuster for months now and never talk to the people I work with outside of work)I really never know what to say and I clam up. So thats a free thing I can work on (the shyness thing). Since most of my plans involve spending lots of money (which I really don't have). After I wrote this I realized that I have spent pretty much all of my money from work on stuff I don't need or on the same boring things that I do from day to day. So after all of this rant basically I am realizing that I need to grow up and start being more mature and go for the things that I want rather than just talk about things (or in this case write about them). Current Mood:  listless |
| Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 |
| 5:00 pm |
Crazy Ass Dreams......
I'm having a lot of crazy dreams the last few days and they are kinda freakin me out! For instance I had a dream that I moved into a house with walls made out of fish tanks and I had these 3 new sisters who hated me and were able to preform magic tricks.....What the hell does that mean??? I mean really I tried to analyze my dreams but I really couldn't make any sense out of the fish walls. If anyone has a suggestion about what that could possibly mean please drop me a line! I also have dreams about being litterally being tied to the bed and I can't get away..... And I have to listen to this really loud and really terrible music? I mean say what??? I also have lots of dreams about being sent back to high school or going to class but not having any of the assignments done and I have one hour to get like an entire years worth of assignments and there is a ticking clock....Bah!!!! So basically most of the dreams make sense when I read them since they are about being stressed out and feeling trapped.....But the fish walls still don't make any sense!!!! Oh fyi I'm censoring my dreams to avoid some really embarassing questions from people latter on......But this is the jist of the dreams so your not missing out on much of whats going on in my subconscience! So basically if any one knows how to interpret dreams and has a better interpretation of my dreams than I do please let me know cause I'm kind of curious! Current Mood: contemplativeCurrent Music: Watching Friends |
| 1:00 am |
So I was scrolling......
Ok so I was scrolling down looking at all of my past entries and relized that I need to suck it up and stop being such a whiner!!!! God I was annoying myself reading the assorted things that I wrote so I'm sure anyone else who read it (maybe Heather is the only one???) was rolling their eyes thinking I need to stop focusing on boys so damn much.......I'm pretty sure thats what Heather was saying in her last comment but she put it in a much nicer way (which I greatly appreciate!) So basically I am now trying to turn over a new leaf and focus on some of the more positive things that are going on in my life right now: for instance I started school again, and I have a job I don't hate, my parents and I are getting along, and I have friends who love me and I love them back, and that I have been getting out and having fun lately. These are all good things!!!! So I'm going to try and write about more of these positive things instead of focusing on some of the sadder negative parts of my life! I'm also hoping that now that I'm attempting to be more positive that maybe I'll be able to attract some new friends......Hopefully of the male persuasion (hey I'm still me I'm never gonna let up on the boy thing!) Oh and I'm really excited because I exercised again today!!!! And while to many people that may not be that big of a deal I really don't like to exercise so the fact that I'm still doing it is HUGE!!!! Because I'm not so hot at getting myself to do things that I don't like to do......But then I'm sure most people are the same (or else everyone in the world would probably be better people in their own way!) And finally last night (or the night before....) I watched the Golden Globes and an actress who weighs more than 95 pounds and actually does a show with a positive message wone an award!!! This makes me happy because it gives me hope that one day girls wont feel like they aren't worth a damn unless they look like the girls on America's Next Top Model (not that the show isn't entertaining.....)!!!! So yeah thats my very random and choppy rant for the day.....But hey at least its positive!!! Current Mood:  chipper |
| Monday, January 15th, 2007 |
| 11:38 pm |
.......1 Month minus 1 Day to Valentines
I hate math and as my lest favourite holiday is comming up in like a month I felt the need to combine the two to explain how I am feeling these days. Primarily lonely. With everything that have been going on in my family with my grandma passing away and it being so long since I have had a relationship I've been feeling like I'm going to be lonely for a long long time. Now I feel the need to clarify that I don't just want to jump into a relationship with just any guy but it would nice to go on a date to feel that excitement, maybe a kiss or holding hands....Maybe it's silly but its been so long since I have experienced any of those things in like 2 years now. It's not that I don't feel and maybe even there are guys out there who look at me and see some potential there.....But my self confidence is at an all time low. Ever since what I refer to as the "incident" with Andy I feel like all that men see when they look at me is fat.....and potential embarssment if they introduced me to friends or take me out in public.I know it's silly.....And I keep saying that it's silly. I mean I have some really great friends who like me for me so I mean it cannot be impossible to see the good in me....It just seems like a lot for me to ask a heterosexual male in our hypersexual universe where celebrities and porn stars are supposed to be what women look like....I'm like the ultimate let down.....And it doesn't help that when I'm around heterosexual males I cannot find the words to say and I feel like I'm constantly censoring what I say and do.....And believe me its exhausting!!! The other night when I went out with some friends was the most relaxed I have felt in the pressance of men since I don't remember when....And it didn't involved alcohol which is really impressive considering the last time I was around men in a social setting I drank way to much!!! Ah well not like writting here is really going to change a thing but its nice to get it out there anyway....And who knows I can't live the rest of my life with out ever going on another date or having another relationship!!!!Right????? Right...............??????????????? Current Mood:  anxious |
| Friday, January 12th, 2007 |
| 2:34 am |
Damn Damn Damn
Oh Christ why am I so damn chicken!!!!! I want him so bad and I had a great opportunity to do something.....or say something.....And I didn't. Of course I didn't because I know that he does not feel the same way....But all I want to do is to kiss him....I want him to hold me.....I want to have sex with him.....But none of this is ever going to happen. So why can I accept it? Or at least make a move and have it official that he doesn't want me? I mean tonight would have been perfect there was alcohol and dancing and the perfect opportunity.....But nothing!!!! And now I guarantee you the chance wont come again.....And even if it did......I would do nothing!!!! Why do I always develop feelings for guys who would never see me that way? Why do I keep thinking that there could be something there when there isn't anything??? Why is it???? Well lets just say I have alot of questions that sound similar and that I really don't have answers to!!!! And the thing is that I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone who could be all those things to me and me to him.....DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: annoyed |
| Friday, December 29th, 2006 |
| 7:03 pm |
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH No She Didn't!!!!!!
I just called best buy to see if they had something that I wanted to buy. Something expensive. And the stupid bitch on the phone was really rude to me!!!! When I'm at work I deal with people calling me all the time when its busy and I am NEVER that rude to anyone. If they want to me too look for something I do it! This bitch wouldn't even type into her computer to see if they had what I wanted!!!!!BAH I'm not shopping at that store anymore! To hell with them. If anyone else is with me I say we boycott!!!!!! Ok well no one else should boycott best buy.....And I probably wont either....But I'm still annoyed and wish I was brave enough to say something about it to the girl and her boss!!!!! But I'm not so I'm bitching here! Current Mood: aggravated |
| Thursday, December 28th, 2006 |
| 12:54 am |
Scars are like maps....
I was thinking about this today....Scars are like maps except they don't tell you where to go only where you have been. I have a lot of scars on my body, most of them self inflicted unfortunately. I sometimes look at them and wonder why I felt the driving need to run a razor blade, or exacto knife, of a piece of dry wall across my arm and stomache? I wonder what I thought it would achieve. But I know why I did it....I did it to feel alive, I did it to feel pain, I did it to numb the pain.....I know that seems like an oxy moron and it really is but it made sense to me at the time and it still makes sense to me today. Today I saw something that brought these memories back, just a moment in a movie, of a girl trying to hide old scars on her arms from her boyfriend. Now I personally gave up on trying to hide my old scars long ago....Mostly now they are pale and faded anyway and only noticible from relatively close up.... I'm not writing about this because I want to do this again....Cut myself I mean....I don't regret it either. Is that strange? I always believed that if I walked around with a cast on my arm that people would know and understand that I was sick....Perhapse that was part of what I was trying to achieve when I cut myself....The physical manifestation of my pain....Now though I am still in alot of pain but there is nothing left but the pain scars that signify it. I sometimes think that maybe I should wrap bandages around my head....It would signify where the pain comes from...My head.....Thats the thing about depression its invisible...No one can see it except for me....I hate that....It makes me feel more alone....It makes me tired....It all makes me so tired....and feel so alone...At night when I try to sleep I can't I think about all sorts of stuff....Mostly I think about how I would change myself to be more what a guy wants....One specific guy specifically...I don't know why I want him so bad but there is something in him that calls to me that makes my heart beat faster that makes me feel more alive than at any other time. And I can't tell him because who would want me? I know he wouldn't. I'm broken and I'm ugly and I'm fat and I say all the wrong things at the wrong times....I wish he could see the inside of me all the things that I want to say... All the good I see in him....But he is a 22 year old guy and he isn't going to stop to look for the good in me when there are lots of girls who are superficially beautiful around him....By superficial I mean that it is obvious from the outside...Not that they are not beautiful on the inside...But we cannot see it in them just like they cannot see it in me. I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense.... Probably I'll read this over later on and scratch my head....But I seem to be doing that alot these days anyway....My hands are cold now and I'm so tired....I think I'll go to bed...Damn and I was so hoping that for once this wouldn't come down to a guy....I'm so common....I'm so predictable....If only someone else would recognize my patterns and help me break them.....Maybe another day... |
| Monday, December 18th, 2006 |
| 8:31 pm |
Just Cause.....
Faye posted this and I was like hey!!!! Thats so me..... .:TAURUS Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships.=] Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ........ Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to #### with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! And no I didn't write this myself! Maybe if I really believed in this I would be more confident to go after what I want....Hmm what a strange moment of clarity I just had!!! Literally if I were a cartoon there would have been a light bulb go off over my head. Looking forward to having sometime off this weekend....cause I am so tired...... Current Mood: sad |
| Friday, December 15th, 2006 |
| 10:57 pm |
Damn.......
I wish I was braver I have the biggest crush on this guy....Like no other crush I've had since I was like 16 years old. I like him so much and he doesn't like me back and on top of that I work with him so technically even if he liked me back we couldn't get together anyway. Damn I like him so much!!!! I even wear make up when I work with himd so that I'll look nicer when he sees me. God its so pathetic I touched his hand when we were both reaching for the samething and I was so happy. AAAAAAHHHHH Jesus why I'm being so stupid. I think part of my problem is.....Well no I don't know what part of my problem is....I'm just so into him. I wish I wasn't it would make my life so much better..... I want him sooo bad... Current Mood: discontent |
| Thursday, December 14th, 2006 |
| 2:24 am |
It's late and I'm bored and I can't sleep
I don't know why I'm doing this I just can't sleep......To the people who I left random comments on their blogs: Feel free to ignore my comments..... To be fair he does have a thing for nannies......an ece can be a nanny......I like where this is going......maybe if it could be with Johnny Depp instead of Jude Law though......Oh that would be nice......Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm happy place <td align="center">You date like you are 17 years old.
You are fairly new at the dating game and are still trying to figure out what type of guy or girl you are into. You enjoy dating around and tend to get crushes on many different types of people.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> Ok this is freakishly accurate......I need more dating experience so I can at least date like a 22 year old......Any takers???? <td align="center">Intelligence
Intelligence is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You like to be able to talk about everything that is on your mind, and if your partner can't keep up, well, you know. You are very attracted to someone who can challenge you, and make you see things in a whole new way.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> Interesting that this is my final result considering I said that intelligence is not the most important thing I look for in a mate......Hmmmmmmmm <td align="center">You are a shy flirt
You are more inclined to leave anonymous love notes for your crush then go up and ask them out. You prefer to leave the ball in their court and see where it takes you. A lot of people find this style romantic, but sometimes you are going to have to work up the nerve and ask your crush out, because if your crush is shy too, you may both like each other and never know.
Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> Well DUH!!!!........Seriously any takers out there????? Current Mood: lonely |
| Monday, December 11th, 2006 |
| 11:56 pm |
Ohhhhhhhhh
Man alive I AM NEVER DRINKING THAT MUCH EVER AGAIN!!!! I still have a headache.....Not to mention the nice memory of litterally spilling my guts infront of my friends. Why is it whenever I go to house parties I drink too much too fast???? Ever since high school if I go to a house party I usually end up feeling really sick the next day. But this was totally differnt, mostly because it was a friends birthday and thats not at all pleasent for her (or my other friends who had to help me out)(or the friend I accidently threw up on a little......So sorry Matt). Note to self buy extra big christmas presents this year.......Or at least never ever do it again so that it can become a distant memory that can just kind of fade away over time. I usually pride myself on being able to say to myself that I've had enough and just stop..... I'm not sure what happened on friday.....All I know is that it's going to be a while before I have any alcohol..... Current Mood: embarrassed |
| Thursday, November 30th, 2006 |
| 6:46 pm |
So heres the thing.....
I have been informed by my friends that livejournal is the place to be and myspace is sooooo old news.....So I've decided to post my rantings here and on myspace since there are actually people who read my blog there......However I'm not importing any more posts on facepic since it cuts out part of what I wrote.....And well thats a tragedy I just cannot accept. So on to the reason that I sat down to write this blog in the first place. Since I left school I've been working alot and it's making me crazy!!! People are so rude to me all the time and I'm already getting sick of spending the majority of my time at old blockbuster.....Which is sad because really I'm not there as much as a lot of the other employees and I probably shouldn't be complaining at all since a lot of people work more than I do but.....The thing is that I'm so tired all the time!!!! I'm not sleeping well.....All last week it was nightmares and this week its not beign able to fall asleep at all..... I know that part of it is that I'm having a hard time with my depression and part of it is the stress of my grandma being so sick (apparently last week she told my aunt in a moment on lucidness that she was ready to go) so there is a constant feel that I should be bracing myself for a phone call with the news....And it didn't help that the other night I got a call on my cell phone the other night at like 4 in the morning (it was a wrong number but now I keep thinking I hear the phone)....So back to work once I'm there I'm really not in the mood to take crap from anyone. And also it means I keep fucking up on transactions and apparently that means I'm costing the store money, so now I feel really bad because I like the people I'm working with for the most part. Plus I really hate being told I screwed up yet again!!!! I just want to be good at stuff and since work is the only stuff in my life right now I really can't afford to be bad at it..... My self esteem just can't take the hit right now. Anyway I'll write again later...... Current Mood: tired |
